Thanks to Nigel for this one:
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...
shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor.
"He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
And this one:
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.' If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds:
'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.'
'He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you.
Something from the weekend!